Some Days

Some days I feel like this...I don't have a picture of me when I'm losing it, but here is about how I feel. This rotation Brian is on is tough! He is gone for 12+ hour shifts or 30 hour on call shifts (every fourth night) at the hospital 6 days a week and sometimes 7 days a week. He hasn't and won't be able to make it to church all month and then when he is home he is so exhausted he just sleeps or falls asleep while I am talking to him. It's so tough for him because he has this patient...I'll just call him Mr. Mean. He has punched a nurse in the face, thrown his urine at a nurse, squeezed a nurses hand so hard she had to go to the ER, and then to top it off grabbed Brian's tie one day and yanked him down to his level while yelling, cursing, and threatening him. Brian of course didn't wear a tie the next day and Mr. Mean noticed and apologized to him for what he did. They put him on new medication, but he still orders everyone around like he owns the place and expects you to get whatever he wants pronto or else he starts into this cursing fit. It's enough to ruin ones rotation. It wouldn't be so bad if he was leaving soon, but he's stuck in the hospital. No assisted living place will take him and his family won't put up with it, and his girlfriend of 25 years left him and called 911 two weeks ago and that is how he ended up in the hospital. I'm just glad his girlfriend got out of there...A nurse has even filed a charge against him. Well, that is how this rotation is going. Just had to vent and post it for posterity or for me to read during the better times and remember and have sympathy for all doctors going through training and their wives. I remember saying I went through Medical School with Brian, and I did. But I can honestly say this is harder! I feel his pain more and the loneliness when he is gone or home and asleep is tough. I do get out and there are some amazing women in this ward. I know we are suppose to be here and that the Lord knew what I would need while going through this with Brian. We have so many people praying for us and I can feel it. What a blessing to have the gospel while going through this. I just talked to another residents wife for an hour and she said that I am allowed as many melt downs as I need. Here is to one down and many more to come. It's so great to have other women to talk to who are going through or have gone through this. I now see why those who adopt have a strong bond, and those who's children have disabilities bond, etc. I guess that is where Christ comes in also. Elder Bednar spoke at our Stake Conference and shared how the Atonement is not just for those who sin. It's that enabling power one can ask for to help them accomplish something that they normally couldn't accomplish on their own. He used the example of when Nephi was tied up and prayed and his bands were loosed. Elder Bednar commented that he believes Nephi had to work at it and twist and such. He was able to break the bands because the Lord gave him strength beyond his own. He said, "I don't think the Lord sent an angel with a sword to cut the bands or miraculously they fell off. Nephi had to work at it, but was given strength beyond his own to get them off. That's the power of the Atonement!" I rely on this often. In life I feel that alone I can not get through the day or week or such, but then I remember this and pray for the extra strength beyond my own and I always get it. My problems don't go away, but just like in Mosiah when they were blessed with the strength to carry the burdens thrust upon them so can I have that blessing. Beautiful words of doctrine to comfort me in my time of need...not a day too late or a day too early. I feel that Elder Bednar came for me. I rely on his words daily right now.